(I hate this cute little rhythm, and for it, I apologize.)
Empty melodies in frigid air,
a taste hollow and lacking will -
so fallen on black ashes where
they brush upon the windowsill.
Melancholy in the shade of
the morbid and distant dusk.
Ice breaths upon a dearth of love,
which is veiled with wild musk.
Voices brush the lonely souls
who are justly now defined
by the lifeless touch of sable coals
and soft words “the left behind.”
Licking wisps of indigo fire
is somber to their bitter skin.
They are lyrics to the choir
of angels, bearing mandolins.
Sinister and lithe, the willows,
So sanative, lullaby the men
to their redeemer pillows
from which they never rise again.
I thought this poem flowed really well and the imagery and words that you gave to the readers was really great. I found no mistakes or problems that jumped out at me, also I think your title is very creative and it seems to me it must have taken a lot of thought. Though this piece was sad and heartbreaking I found myself wanting to read it again and again, thanks for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly
this is a beautiful poem. the imagery is absolutely amazing. yeah, it is a typical rhyme scheme but it fits. i think this poem would be really cool as a sonnet. two things:
"Ice breaths upon a dearth of love, "
i don't know if this was meant to be 'breaths' or if it should be 'breathes'. i honestly think it would be fine either way. i'm just curious. if it's supposed to be 'breaths' maybe change 'ice' to 'icy' ? just a suggestion o.O
"and soft words “the left behind.” "
this line just seems kind of random, and the flow is kind of off. it's not horrible though. i know that i have poems that have multiple lines that are off. it's part of the trade i suppose.
anyways. i love this poem. it's eerie and haunting and wonderfully written.
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